Monday, August 15, 2011
Falling & Flying

Falling ~ & ~ Flying

"Devotion is meant for Him, not towards man."


Colliding, inviting, and abiding

I explained us, but why was it dying

Put forth a love, worth trying

Clouds aligning, brackish1 stains gliding

Along my face sighing

Leaving speckles of hope in its lines

I hoped, I waited, but couldn't be abated

Not satiated, hope I'm not fated

I needed you, but I couldn't have waited

Empty prayers are louder than detonations

Ignored by God, lights wouldn't come on

Submitted to God,

And everything was gone

"I have been alone," you said on the phone

But not to me, to my dial tone

Forgiveness, surrender, and a little bitter

"I hope to see him," I yelled and hindered

"Love came and grew, even without you

I thought of you and can't live without you"

I sighed, I smiled I see its not dying

"Love comes falling, before it starts flying"

1 Brackish slightly salty, referring to tears that leave behind a salty shiny residue when dried

Monday, July 18, 2011
Falling Ember

I thought you were falling, I had to look twice to make sure -- I reached out..

my first mistake..

By the very second I glanced at you; you were so stabbingly beautiful. You were crushed; the albedo gleaming from the nearby water exposed the brackish stains on your face. Each trace of tears left stark paths on your skin -- transmitting your pain into art. I almost did not wipe your face, as the image of your translucent face would be burned into my eyes.

little did I know..that the real you was right in front of me..

Above us, the Sun and clouds acting out a dance in the Sky. How I will always remember the brilliant reflection in your eyes; I found that I would rather watch the reflection of the world in your eyes, as everything seemed so alluringly refined. I couldn't find it in myself to not help you..

my crippling mistake.. i have no regrets

Distance spread far between two individuals; distance is a nothing, as I could easily overcome anything to see your viciously beautiful smile. Nothing is worth not being able to touch you again.
I woke one day, thinking.. I'd trade in all possibilities of love with other people, for another night together.

i remember the first and only night we shared.. i let you hold me all night, i embraced it, you were the only one..and it will stay that way

Unable to feel your touch and see you.. hopeless, I was. I can't elude my last memories of you. Before we parted, all memories of you flashed before me in a blindingly vivid fashion. All the hours we use to talk at night, I miss that; it was the highlight of each day. Your voice is strong, yet fragile. I use to daydream while talking to you I couldn't help it. You induced so many characteristics in me that I thought were fictional.

gonna be here for you.. and only

7-29 .. Finally remembered what I was trying to convey, last edit.
Small excerpt taken from my previously written "Saga's Lament."

Sunday, December 09, 2007

'tis what I got:

Posted at 09:31 pm by Phenobarbital
(1) Side effects  

Monday, November 26, 2007

:: clears dust off keyboard and eyes ::

I know nobody reads here anymore, yet that is not the point of this entry.  This entry, in itself, serves as an accomplishment to me.  As I have incessantly procrastinated writing, of any sort.  I have had a block for so long, which I fully blame on myself.  Yet, I'm not here to atone.  I have wrote such ridiculously morbid, self-serving entries for too long.  I'd like to return to my old roots, but I might assimilate that early part of myself and put forth a new writing style for myself.

Such nostalgia -- thinking back when I was 16 writing about pseudo-humans, obscure dreams, and strange scornful encounters at school.  Has four years truly passed?  It sure the hell did.  I ran across an essay I wrote when I was 16 about Artificial Societies; I poke fun at the imagination that I evoked.  Yet, despite my naivety, there were whole truths.  I still very much have the xenophobia that I was proud of, I remember how I felt being avoidant of others was a good thing.

Here I am, twenty years old now.  Working a full-time job, bills to my Spleen, yet I maintain this tranquility.  It hasn't always been that way, the depression that I had when I was 16 lasted years long.  Perhaps, even before I was 16.  It became more of a psychological, and a physiological thing.  It developed a consciousness that masked my own, became a beast laboring for breath, my breath.

I decided I'm not that person anymore; I hold no remorse for it, it's a mere thing of the past.  I have experienced all the things that I clearly detested before, which is quite ironic, lol.  My passion has, indeed, returned and plan to write more often.  Though, it does take days at a time.

Tuesday, May 15, 2007

Forlorn, I am, for such cowardice I hold.  It's pathetic for one to hide their own identity from themself.  I've developed this thing people call "hobbies," and I also started "going out."  Which, for me to say, is quite a surprising thing to say.  I've started a new life in this area I moved in, and not mentioning a word of the life I lived prior.  I've met remarkable people, though it ends at that.

I've come to the conclusion that I'm no more than a deserter.  Which, I once smiled while admitting, now I'm dreading.  I've deserted many people before and failed to see the pain in it, now I cringe at my passed deads.  Now, I can't stop thinking about those people that I left of my own free will and never once looked back.  I'm not even lucky enough to remember their names, yet very vaguely their faces.

Yet, despite such misdeeds, I wasn't completely guilty; I did very much attempt to do "remarkable" things; I remember how I tried to engage the school in politics, force a movement, if you will.  The failure was crippling at that time, yet I no longer consider it a failure.  Enough of that, the past is gone..

I've think I have awakened, if only in a sense.  I was once baffled at the emotions of others and how foolish one can be, and yet I find myself in such situations.  How foreign such scenes seem.  I, once again, feel the need to flee.  Not necessarily in the deserter sense, but to explore.  Now that I'm no longer staring outside my window, but rather on the outside..  how refreshing indeed.

Be that as it may, optimism is only limited.  While I feel the need to emerge, I become submerged.  Lately...  I've been fighting off massive sleep attacks, just like the kind from four years ago.  Yesterday I slept 12 hours, today I slept well over 16 hours, including occasional naps.  I've been often falling asleep and not remember ever going asleep.  I, again, had a horrifying sleep paralysis episode today.  It started with a dream, I was drowning and hopelessly sinking.  I couldn't breathe, I woke up, but didn't realize I was having an episode.  My breathing was very constricted, I couldn't seem to pull a decent amount of breath; after maybe a minute, I actually woke up, burst out of my chair and was hyperventilating.. after able to calm down.. I thought about it..

My first vivid dream was that I was drowning, and had the same episode.  That is how my hydrophobia came to be.  That inital episode happened about four years ago or so, which makes me think that what was is returning.  My breathing was constricted today because of the way I fell asleep on my desk, in such horrible posture I could see why.  Though, like again, I don't recall falling asleep.

I was diagnosed two years ago, with what I refuse to admit.  Call it cowardice, I don't care.  Their solution was drugs; being on Ritalin when I was a kid, and Zoloft years later, I don't want to see another drug, ever again.  Though, in today's world it's hardly avoidable.  There has to be other means, and I will find it.  Even if utter ruination comes to rise.

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